Dogma

Among my family's many complications is the issue of God, religion, and church. There are many ministers in my family who teach a cult-like existence from the pulpit, complete with hell, fire, and brimstone. It's an all-or-nothing faith, meaning when you go to church, you give it 100%; however, if you decide to stop, you merely hang on to the fear and live the rest of your life on the wild side. I always felt as though my mother wished she could be in the former group, but put herself in the latter group when she confessed being unmarried and pregnant.

On occasion, my mother would cave to the pressure of her brothers and begin sending me to church regularly. The rules were numerous and overwhelming:

*only dresses and long shirts;
*ask no questions about what you are told, just accept the "truth" as God has given it;
*no makeup, no fancy hairstyles, nothing to drive the men wild;
*women are to be submissive and accept their lot in life as wife, mother, and homemaker;
*no hospitals or doctors--if you are sick, come to your church family for faith healing;
*you may pray, but not meditate, for Satan lives for the moment he can jump into an empty mind;
*fear God, and love Him for breathing life into you;
*tithing is to be literal, and to ensure that you are giving at least 10%, you must report your income and assets in a formal report on a quarterly basis;
*God prefers poverty over wealth, for money is the root to all evil;
*children are to be seen, but not heard;
*the fruit given to Adam by Eve was from the Tree of Wisdom, therefore, anything that intellectually develops our minds further is an attempt to become too much like God, which is a disgrace and a sin;
*pain is our reminder of the suffering Christ endured to save our souls;
*the price of sin is death, and your sin shall be carried through the next seven generations--our children and their children will pay for the sin you commit today;
*your life hardships are the result of the sins committed by your fathers before you, so accept them with grace and live to not overwhelm your future generations with more sin;
*most importantly, never forget that we know the truth, and "they" are wrong--do not expose your mind to the teachings of those false prophets.

It amazed me and disappointed my mother that I rejected this theology as early as four years old. But I continued to endure it when she'd push the issue, not only because it was easier, but it was a popular faith among my friends. Society around me told me that this was the right way to live, but my heart taught me something different. I had too many questions, even as a child, that I was told were inappropriate to ask. I was degraded for being a thinking individual, and told that dealing with this intellect was the price I had to pay for my parents' sin. I would forever carry the weight of this, for being the bastard child of my family, a label that defined me, though it was something I never had control over. I would never feel as though I fully fit in with these people, many of which were my own flesh and blood.